Hurtful Criticisms Scars the Heart
I have people in my life that have been severely damaged by abusive criticisms. For the people that don’t know the difference between giving a loving critique and hurtful criticism, here is a word for you.
Gentle correction comes with Love and is given to uplift and support the person it’s being given to. Usually this person, that has been introspective, will request a critique to help them improve and for accountability.
The conversation may go like this; Hello Sister 😊 I have been working on improving my health. I gave up sodas and started eating smaller portions. I started exercising. What other things may I perform to improve my health?
The supportive Sister will say; that is a very good start, and I am proud of you! Have you thought about having an exercise buddy and/or journaling your progress? (As you have read, this is from a wonderful place of Love 💘 and support.)
Now, I find criticism starts very early in dysfunctional families. Statements of why can’t you be like her or him. Or you are like your no good Daddy or Momma. This one, you think you’re smart, but you’re just stupid. You look funny or different. You’re too tall to be a girl or you sound funny. You have legs like a maypole. You’re fat, ugly and lazy etc…..
These are the hurtful criticisms that scars hearts. These wounds cause so much internal damage to the heart, soul and psyche. The scarred and wounded end up with self esteem issues. Even worst they perpetuate this cycle of abuse. We must return to our place of loving as GOD loves us.
Usually, people lash out at others because they see something they dislike or hate within themselves. At times they are so internally miserable, they perpetrate this anger and rage onto the people closest to them. The ones they say they care for and love. (That’s really fucked up, right???)
What’s worse is that growing up with this type of abuse as a child makes you try to do anything to get that Parent’s approval. This also sets you up to be manipulated in the worst possible ways. Why?
Because you don’t know what real love is suppose to feel or look like. Your heart is so starved that you’re always seeking attention ⚠ from the incorrect people. (People pleasers are great at customer service.) But they suffer in life so greatly.
Imagine not being able to trust your own judgement. Imagine not knowing what real love 💘 feels like. How can you even really live and thrive? I have a dear friend that was reared by a terrible and mean alcoholic. They were subjected to beatings in a darkened closet. I have another dear friend who was constantly called stupid by her folks.
I was told that women should not be smarter than men by my Daddy. My brothers told me that I should play small and not intimidate men. My Daddy suffered from undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He was an angry, abusive and sometimes unbearable man. (Serving in Three Wars and living in Jim Crow can do this.) He was quite unconscious in his behavior towards my Mom and us.
My Mom was always nervous and lived with dread and foreboding. We never knew when the walking time bomb would explode. The verbal abuse was making all of us dysfunctional. I woke up to my Parents fighting early one morning. My Daddy had an axe in his hand. They were arguing about money and us six kids. He told my Mom that he would cut her head off, as his eyes bulged.
I stayed still as furniture, but I was betrayed by my body. I was so terrified 😰 that my nose started bleeding. The blood soaked my Daddy’s old shirt that I used for a night gown. I started crying 😢 and coughing blood. It stopped the fight, but it is a lasting scar. I vowed to never marry anyone that day. If this was Love, I didn’t desire this for my life. (Already I had learned their wrong example of what Love is.)
For a long time I thought the discord in my Parents marriage was my fault. I thought, if I was smart and good it would get better. I learned not to have feelings or an opinion. This lead me to being a doormat and people pleaser. Which lead to being molested, raped and abused in my relationships. We really can’t Love 💘 ourselves correctly, especially if we don’t learn this early in our lives. We get manipulated easily by the word love and those that use it for their own gain.
How can we recognize this abusive behavior or people that have been hurt by abusive criticism? What I have experienced is that these people are highly critical of others, but they will not recognize their own behavior. They fail to be accountable and lots of them feel like everyone is against them or have slighted them in some way. These people most of the time will never admit any fault. They will lie and manipulate every situation. They are hypersensitive to any suggestion that will show that they are not in control. Lots of them desire others to take care of them and they have a grandiose sense of entitlement. They will project their negative behavior; their poison point of view and accuse everyone else of their actions. They are sore losers and yellers. Lots of them think of life and relationships as a game and that they must win at any and all cost. This is why you should listen intently when connecting with anyone. Also listen to the warnings you receive from your instincts and intuition. Don’t let handsome or pretty trick your mind. Believe them when they tell you that they are selfish, spoiled, self-centered or mean. (Maya Angelou Quote: When a person tells you who they are believe them.)
I trust people upfront. Why? Because I try not to let the abuse of my past control my future. I have learned to forgive, to free myself. I have learned the signs of both manipulation and abuse. Once, a person hurts me, I simply walk away. (Cardi B quote: If I see you and I don’t speak that means I don’t fuck with you.) Let me guess, you might think I am lonely, correct? I can exclaim proudly, that because I have GOD I am not lonely or alone. (Thank GOD for being GOD!)
This relationship with GOD has made me a more civil and better person. This has led me to living on some very next level headspace. I am accountable for me and I know how to love me. This keeps me from hurting others because I choose to live consciously. I wish this for everyone.
My request today is that, if you have been scarred by verbal, emotional, physical or psychological abuse get help and work to Love you. If you are the bully and abuser, think about what brought you to this place. While it might seem like you’re in control and on top, it just a façade. In the end you like us all will have to answer to GOD! The Hurtful Criticisms Scars the Heart of everyone it touches, even yours.